Shark Week is officially back! Starting July 24th, Shark Week on Discovery Channel kicks off its 34th year of dedicating an entire week to the beasts of the ocean.
Year after year Discovery Channel puts together a new collection of specials on sharks, and it’s only gotten bigger and crazier each year. They had USA Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps actually race a shark one year. This year, they’ll do specials with the Impractical Jokers, Tracy Morgan, the crew from Jackass. The Rock will be this year’s Shark Week Master of Ceremonies.
The lineup looks pretty solid every night, but what cracks me up is the titles of some of these specials. Here are some of my favorite movie titles this year, and what I wished they were actually about:
Air Jaws: Top Guns – I was envisioning crazy flying sharks fighting it out with F-16 fighter jets, Tom Cruise style, but it’s just a bunch of jumping sharks, which is still rad.
Shark Women: Ghosted by Great Whites – I was picturing a group of women angry and upset that a shark didn’t show up for a Tinder date or something and they’re out to seek revenge and film it up before uploading it to Instagram, but sadly that’s not the case. It’s about an all-female crew that goes hunting for sharks that went missing after they tracked them.
Pigs vs. Shark – I really wanted to see giant mutant angry pigs fighting sharks in an epic action thriller that terrorizes L.A., but not so much. It focuses on a group of Tiger Sharks who have acquired a taste for pigs in the Bahamas.
Island of Walking Sharks – Now this I want to see: Sharks with big ol’ muscular legs and Sonic The Hedgehog speed wreaking havoc on an island when some visitors come on a random vacation. Of course, the people somehow escape, but one moron brings a baby back to the mainland, and then we have a sequel. However, this also sadly isn’t what you’re probably thinking, but it is kind of crazy. It’s an actual scientific look into whether or not sharks in Papua, New Guinea are evolving to walk on land. Woah.
Great White Serial Kill: Fatal Christmas – A dark, bloody Christmas horror flick with a Great White in a Santa hat going house to house with his reindeer sharks and helper elf-sharks eating people and their presents. Just kidding, it’s a look at eyewitness accounts to identify a shark that killed a surfer on Christmas Eve in Morro Bay, California.
Sadly, no Sharkano movie though. I’ve got a plot for that too. Maybe next year…
Check out the entire Shark Week Lineup below.
